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Every person is different, however despite men being known as logical creatures, they seem bad about knowing the basics of communicating with women. We don’t have all the magic answers, but since we see so many obvious mistakes everyday we thought it would be a good idea to at least give some tips to point men in the right direction. Although for the most part meant in a kinky online community context, most of these tips easily apply to the vanilla world as well.

Don’t send unrequested dick pics.
-Women are attracted to men as a whole package, not a single body part. All a crappy dick pic does is confirm you have a dick yet no one was ever questioning your sex in the first place.
-Think of the reverse situation, if the only information you have on a girl is a closeup photo of their pussy, does that really tell you much?
-Dicks are weird looking organs by default and then from there it doesn’t help when most dick pics have crappy lighting and photo quality added on top.
-Perhaps the only reasoning I can muster guys are thinking sending dick pics is a decent idea is that most would appreciate explicit pics from women since in theory it shows interest. This however simply does not translate well when sending to women. Women typically get offered penis services all the time so it comes off way more like an aggressive creepy flasher kind of act rather than a nice offer to connect.
-Coming from a scientific method angle, for those who have already tried, has sending out a dick pic ever worked out well for you? Considering that sending a dick pic is NOT the only action available, it has to be one of the worst performing strategies from a statistics standpoint. When it comes to surprise dick pics, generally the only ones happy to see them are gay dudes or dudes pretending to be girls.

A good article on further elaboration:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201602/why-men-send-pics-their-junk

And a solid video to link to for those who have no idea how bad of an idea dick pics are:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dllu9fNl2s
It seems to work well when you don’t want to bother trying to type up an essay every time someone sends a dick pic your way. Because let’s be honest, those people aren’t great with words so moving pictures work a little better for them.

Step 1, study the profile of the person of interest!
It is pretty hard to emphasize this enough. Someone’s profile not only should give some basics about themselves, but also a big pile on hints on how best to communicate with them. All you have to do is basically pay attention and don’t ask obviously dumb questions like if lesbians want sexytime with your manly self or if a hetero woman wants a new penis to fuck despite being in a happy relationship. Sometimes women literally put in test notes in their profile just see if you are paying attention because so many men just don’t even bother. To be fair, not every lady’s profile is perfect so maybe you shouldn’t humor that profile that is one picture of boobs and no profile text.

Have something interesting to say when sending a message.
Make a reference to her profile to show you at least read it, and you’re not just sending out a copy/paste message. Lazy messages will get lazy responses if anything at all. A one or two word message saying “Hi” is awkward for anyone to receive as it comes off as either you are 3 years old or it is your first time on the internet. Checking grammar and punctuation is never a bad thing either. It’s ok to be brief and concise, but let the girl know she’s important enough to you that you’ll invest the time to type out “you’re” and not “Ur.” On that note, calm the fuck down with the use of LOL. Just because you say some crazy shit doesn't mean LOL is going to somehow smooth things over and definitely doesn't make you look confident or anything resembling an adult.

Follow the basic rules of having a conversation.
Ask questions that require a response and keep the conversation going. Be interested in what the girl is about beyond whatever fetish she has that got your attention.

Dont get pised off if she doesnt respond instantly, but don’t let the conversation die if you’re truly interested.
This one can be a tricky balance because you need to show interest, but you don’t want to come off as a stage 5 clinger and scare her off. When the conversation dies after a couple days maybe hit her up with a cute cat meme or a puppy pic you found on IG. The main point is to let her know you’re interested in more than sexy talk. That being said, talking about fetishes via IM can be an easier way for a girl to share the things she’s into that are way too hard to say out loud, and can give you a good sense of how she wants to be treated.. but there’s a time and a place for those conversations, and every interaction shouldn’t be about putting stuff in her butt.

Don’t post creepy “compliments” on pics, or give suggestions on how a pic could be hotter.
Ie: “I love the gag in this photo, but where are the nipple clamps?” That’s going to make the girl feel like she failed at being hot, and is the quickest way to be put on a “do not send pics” list. Another classic compliment sabotage is something along the lines of: “Normally I don’t like X, but you are still pretty hot”. To a woman, all this comes off as is “I guess I can make-do with you” contrary to somehow being a sweet compliment in the man’s head.

If you don’t see pee pics, don’t write and tell her how it would be hot if she was into a bunch of pee stuff.
It always blows my mind how people will request super specific things from women knowing clearly they aren’t into it. There usually are other women out there who show they are into specific fetishes so everyone else doesn’t need your help being converted over. About the only time it is appropriate to request like this is if the woman specifically is asking for new ideas or what you are into.

Put some effort into your own profile, and be clear about what you’re looking for without being overly emotional.
Nobody wants to read 5 paragraphs about your ex wife that never understood you. It never inspires confidence if you don’t show any pictures of yourself or always crop off your head. As further clarification on the no dick pics rule, go ahead and apply that to profile pictures. Having any dick pics in your profile is a great way for women to think less of you as opposed to the naive fantasy a woman is going to be woo’d by how great your dick looks.

Your profile is not your Geocities site.
Perhaps it is more of a FetLife specific thing, but having a bunch of stolen pictures and dumb memes doesn’t make up for no pictures of yourself. This is a great way for people to assume you have no confidence / too ugly to show yourself, and or too out of touch to know better about using your profile as a shitpost gallery.

If you’re trying to hit up a girl that has an amazon wishlist, it’s not a bad idea to check it out and send a little gift.
This may sound superficial, but it’s a pretty easy win, and a nice gesture. You know she wants whatever is on the list, and it’s a way to get her attention, and at the very least get a thank you. Consider it the digital equivalent to buying her a coffee.

Don’t start off messages with terms of endearment like “Princess,” “Young Lady,” “Angel,” etc.
I see this cringeworthy type of message coming from Daddy Doms the most, and it’s about as meaningful as receiving orders from some Dom you have no connection to. This applies to sending emojis, too. It feels lazy and disingenuous, like you're too immature to say words, so you just use a smiley face with heart eyes. Not to mention emojis can be interpreted a billion different ways. It’s always better to use words, and save the smiley emojis to accent your sentence to convey the emotion of the words you wrote.

For some similar, but FetLife specific advice, we think this article by KinkWeekly also has great tips and specific examples: http://www.kinkweekly.com/article-anniebear/not-approach-submissive-fetlife/

So as we were saying earlier, this is by no means a complete guide, but hopefully a good starting point on some concepts men can use to talk to women online to avoid a lot of generally wasting a lot of people’s time. Men get frustrated that they don’t hear back after sending out a lot of messages, but if they are all garbage messages Women get frustrated getting a bunch of worthless messages which sadly sometimes causes them to miss the decent messages too. The point is that much like life it isn’t always a fair situation, but generally if you want a chance at success, you are going to have to put in the work.

 

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